Live Like You Were Dying

//Live Like You Were Dying//

This entry is dedicated to her...

Attachment at Singapore Cancer Society started yesterday. First 3 days are home visits, 2 of us were attached to a nurse and we followed her around to for all the home visits for the cancer patients.

First patient...she wasn't in the nurse's schedule for the day, but her family member called the society and requested that the nurse go down to take a look cause she's been suffering from constipation. So we went down to her house.

She was lying on her bed, literally stoning. She's got lung cancer and it had already spread to other parts of the body, so apparently the tumour was pressing on some nerves, thus she is considered paralysed. I believe she still know what's happening around her cause when the nurse ask her to open her mouth and so on, she can follow simple instructions, but she totally cannot move herself and talk etc.

So the nurse settled the constipation problem...other than the fact that she's a bit dazed and paralysed, she actually seems pretty ok, as in she still seems very much alive.

Today, the nurse received a call from the family again. So we went down again. After 4 years in St John, I always wonder how the symptom "gasping for air" look like, well today I finally saw it for myself. She wasn't in much distress, but she was indeed gasping for air.

When we arrived at the house, the scene was very familiar. Quite a few of her family (as in not immediate family) are there, all her children are present (except one who cannot be contacted). We entered her room. It was filled with Buddhist chanting kind of music. Both her son and daughter's eyes are red, apparently they had been crying. Then I remembered what it reminded me of...the day my grandma passed away...exact same scene (just that my grandma already passed way by the time I reached home)..I still remember receiving that sms "ah siang gu gu here, grandma passed away, don't panick, just come home after school", and I was with Kai Herng that time in the Staff room.

The nurse took her pulse, blood pressure, etc...look at all her symptoms, and told the family members "not optimistic". She feels very cold (according to the nurse, apparently the blood are all flowing back to the heart to sustain it?), and also for the first time, I finally saw how cyanosis looked on the finger nail, and we didn't even have to test for capillary refill, cause it's blue black to start with. All these symptoms, according to the nurse, simply means that the end is near.

It really struck me, I mean the day before she looked fine etc, the very next day she's dying?

The nurse was telling her eldest daughter (23 years old) to be mentally prepared, prepare the photos and stuff, and it is then that she realised that her mum didn't specify what photo to use and lots of stuff, "她什么都没有交代，只是叫我要照顾弟弟妹妹"...I guess it really came as a shock...

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking about the options
and talking bout sweet time
- Tim McGraw (Live Like You Were Dying)

And the saddest thing is she only discovered she got lung cancer back in March this year. And she's really young, at most at most 50? Her youngest son is only 16. It's just depressing to see her son and daughters crying, especially her 2nd daughter (the one that cannot be contacted initially), who was really crying like mad like in those drama serials and keep calling to her mum for some response.

I asked the nurse how long does she think the patient will last, and she said it should be about hours to day, and she emphasized that she say "day" or "days".

Life's really unpredictable...in a matter of just 2 months after her diagnosis, her condition has already worsen so much...seriously...you never know when this may happen to you or the people around you, it's just so unpredictable. For all you know, the building may just collapsed now or something and I'll be dead.

This song never meant so much to me as it did today...

I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
- Tim McGraw (Live Like You Were Dying)

May a miracle happen...let it happen please...