Emotion Part I

//Emotion Part I//

I've been feeling a bundle of emotions lately...feel like a hypocrite...feel devoid of emotions...yet feel so emotional sometimes...weird huh...a lot of memories keep flooding back this few days for no apparent reason...

Let me start with the hypocrite part first..X has been pretty nice to me...but I just don't understand why he can behave the way he do sometimes towards certain people...it bugs me...X bugs me...that bugs me...I just can't understand...

but then I don't really have a basis to treat X the same way others do...cause like I said he has been quite nice to me apart from 1 or 2 occasions which he did something that pissed me off a lot...

I mean I don't hate X to the point that I can't stand talking to him at all...it takes really a lot a lot for me to be that pissed with someone...so far only one person has achieved that...but that was in the past...so let's not talk about it....but with that being said...it doesn't mean I enjoy talking to X...there are people you can click with...you enjoy talking to....but there are also people that you feel highly uncomfortable talking to...and all the talks remain very superficial...X remains in the latter...

But then sadly...for some reason...I just keep seeing X everywhere I go...and he continues to be very nice to me....haix...what do you do to someone to you don't really like but is very nice to you? I just can't bring myself to tell X or blatantly ostracise him...neither do I have the basis to...but I feel damn guilty whenever X helped with something...cause I've been talking about him behind his back...

it's like...i've been trying to be as nice as I can to X...and it just backfires on me....now I'm acting like a hypocrite....appearing nice towards him....but when he's not around....it's a total different story....

If you don't know what the hell I was talking about...then just ignore it...if you are X...and you are reading my blog...then it's about time you reflect on why people treat you the way they do....if you think you are X but are not so sure...my advice is stop being paranoid...cause I think it's quite obvious who X is...I might as well put down the name...But nvm...sometimes some abiguity is good...

Actually I have lots more to write...but writing about X just sort of spoils my mood....shall immerse myself in all the tutorials to drown out my not-so-good mood....shall write more next time...

Alone

//Alone//

There was no one at the terraces...I was alone there...they were running on the track...but I was there lying down looking at the sky above...alone...

It was really a perfect moment.

It is a wonder how some people hate the times of being alone so so much...cause they tend to 胡思乱想...but I just love it.

I always find perfection overated...I don't believe that perfection exists...but that moment was really perfect...

*snaps back to reality

I feel like I'm a changed person with regards to my attitude towards work.

I always find my friends who finish their homework way in advance of the deadline very muggerish...why work so hard I thought?

I always do what's most urgent that needed to be handed in tomorrow..I spend my breaks doing homework that needed to be handed in on the day itself cause I can never seem to complete my homework...

But somehow...this couple of days...I started to look at this whole "homework" thing in a different light...

Why should they be considered muggerish when all they do is to complete their work on time? Maybe it's not that they are muggerish...maybe it's that I'm too lazy...I mean look at it this way...completing your assignments ON TIME is expected...I shouldn't be copying/doing work on the day of submission anyway....

So from yesterday onwards...I have decided to stop procrastinating and start working on all my tutorials...even if the deadline is like next week...

I shall see how long this can last...my brain is telling me to keep up with this hardworking attitude..but my guts is telling me I won't last...I will revert back to my old self very soon....

What A Difference A Day Makes

//What A Difference A Day Makes//

What a difference a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain
- Jamie Cullum

Indeed..yesterday at this time I was whinning and complaining about how bad my day was....24 hours later...life seemed to be so much better!

Maybe I'm a easily contented person...I can get very happy just cause I finish a piece of homework by myself at home! Lol...the sense of satisfaction is just so amazing....my work are mostly done in school...on the day we are supposed to submit...during lectures...which effectively mean I don't pay attention during lectures...not a good sign....

So whenever I manage to finish any homework AT home...i just feel so proud of myself!

But back to the point...I just felt so happy that I finished my chemistry ILP....3 cheers for me please! WoooohoooO! Ok...but not so worth celebrating larz...cause it's like 12am...and I still haven't done my bio lipids tutorial and maths tutorial which most people finished eons ago...

Mitchell chan has officially become my idol...when people are busy "referencing" each other work at the class bench....he is just standing around...why..not cause he is too lazy to do....cause he did his homwork!i mean u look at him...like slack slack like that...but never judge a book by its cover...he always finish all the homework by himself at home! Isn't that like very very amazing?

Lol..so as you can see...I get happy very easily...finally got to see the doc today...and I don't even have to wait......lol...HAPPEEEEE...haha...

and 1 episode of Desperate Housewives & Lost is waiting for me...should I do the bio lipids tutorial now and watch the shows later....or should I just screw it and watch it now?

Let's hope tomorrow will be a even better day!

Bus Rides

//Bus Rides//

"lately been thinking abt how solitude can sometimes be a pleasurable indulgence. isnt it rare nowadays to find time which solely belongs to you and you alone? was just musing over this lahh, due to a couple of significant occasions i really craved to be by myself. undoubtedly there are some who view it as anti-social behaviour but no i dont see it as an act of self-isolation or anything of that sort. something made me discover the value of solitude, when thoughts and feelings can be processed and channeled appropriately, events and outcomes are mentally re-played and decisions are made."
- Yan Han

That's why I love to take bus alone.

Am I a loner? To a certain extent...yes...I love being alone sometimes...like when I'm on a bus or something...

In school, I'm surrounded by friends, at home, I'm surrounded by my family...it's hard to find some quality "me" time...

So I really enjoy the times when I take buses alone...my bus ride is about 45 mins to 1 hour...to some people...spending that amount of time all by themselves is a torture...but I find it more of a pleasure...

Firstly, without anyone around...i can sleep stone for all i want...and it's really a good time for me to think about stuff that happened that day...but lately...i've been quite exhausted each time i go home...so it's mostly stoning for me on the bus...i realised stoning has the same effect as sleeping for me...I mean when I'm stoning...my mind is basically blank...and it allows my mind to rest! Though I will still feel tired after stoning larz...but it does allow my mind to rest....

And I realised taking the train and taking the bus is just different. If I choose to take the train home...the effect just isn't the same...cause you see...the bus ride to the train station is 15 mins, train ride home is 15 mins...so basically there's no long periods for me to really settle down to reflect...

Wheras when I take bus...I'll basically take the first 5 to 10 mins to stone to clear my mind...then events that happened today will start flashing through my head..it allows more "processing" to take place...

Feeling pissed today...don't ask me why...I also don't know why...it's like suddenly I also don't know what I'm doing with my life...and no...today is not one of those days where I go "hey! I must start planning my life..."it's more like "hey...my life sucks, what am i doing?!" (when actually there's nothing that really pissed me off...) then cause of this...a lot of things that my frenz did piss me off when it normally wouldn't....like mitchell chan...shan't elaborate more...

then an unlucky streak began...being killed in MI...taking a 74 tt took so friggin long...missing the doc thus not able to change my dressing for the feet...taking a wrong bus which went to the interchange...chasing after a bus that took so long to reach my house, when another bus which is much faster is just behind...whining to my mum about my bad luck and ended up being scolded by her (like wtf?)...

Lady luck is too busy today I guessed....did she ignore me cause I was pissed and sort of pulling a long face today? Or was I pissed andpulling a long face cause I had a feeling that it would be an unlucky day ahead?

Tomorrow shall be better!

Secrets

//Secrets//

Everyone has their fair share of secrets...

Some people may seem happy and bubbly everyday...but deep down he's always feeling depressed cause of some reasons only he knows best...you can never say "I know everything about him/her" because no matter how close you are to that person, there are always some infomation that you choose to hold back...

It may be something as trivial as what colour you like(for eg some guys like pink but don't dare to admit) ...or it can be something more major like who do you like..etc...

But no matter how small that secret is, you're still holding back certain infomation about yourself that you don't want others to know.

People always say "Be yourself!" but I really think that this statement is overrated...I don't believe for a second if someone told me he is 100% truthful about all the things he say...How can you "be youself" when you choose to hide something from others. We are all human beings, we are self-conscious, no matter how "heck care" you are, you still care about how others think about you, how others look at you. So people choose to filter information when talking to others, especially regarding things you find embarassing and you don't want others to know...

Are we being liars or hypocrites, or pretending to be someone we are not? No, not really, I mean it's perfectly normal to want to present the best side of you to the others...Imagine you did something you shouldn't do, something that you're ashamed of...like taking drugs...this kind of things that you did...that you're not really proud of, of course you won't tell anyone even if he or she asked right?

My point is we all have something we want to hide, something that only ourselves and no one else knows...some people choose to share their secrets with a few good friends...others choose to keep it to themselves.

For me, I belong to the latter.

"Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom, but once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us. And total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned."
- Desperate Housewives

Maybe this is the reason why. I don't know who to trust. I'm pretty paranoid by nature...it's hard for me to trust anyone...but sometimes it's very tough to have all these pent up frustrations...so you HAVE to find someone that you're comfortable with to talk to...I mean I'm the type of person that will not tell you to the face what I feel, I keep most of the feelings to myself (like who I dislike)....so normally it gets pretty pent-up...so no choice...need to let it out one way or another...you may be surprised to know the people I confide with...lol..

Today's VDay...someone's secret was revealed accidentally....enjoyed the "walks" I took...feels so "Survivor"...lol...talking strategy....deciding who to vote out....haha....hmm..the class dynamics is getting more and more complicated from what I know...things are getting more and more interesting...love's in the air....

On a side note..loved both the pencil case and wallet that my angel and mortal bought for me! Both are the kinds that I want...yay! (do a miss wang impersonation)...

kay siong is a happy man today...

not so sure if they are happy with the gift I gave them...but nvm...what's done is done...

The Wait

//The Wait//

2.00pm
Walking to the high school auditorium from SIM...feeling very nervous...not really entirely for my results, cause I thought I should be able to get the least a "B" for HCL (though my gut is telling me anything can happen and I might even get a E) I was more nervous for my classmates taking more subjects...being the pessimist...I keep wondering...what would happen if ALL of them can't stay, I never envisioned the scenario of all of them staying (though I keep telling them to be optimistic)...saw lots of smses from my classmates about how nervous they were...and it makes me nervous...cause the fate of our class more or less lies in their hands...

2.15pm
Seated in the auditorium...got back my results, it was an "A2"..was very satisfied with it, considering how badly I screwed up my paper 2...I looked at my phone...no missed calls...no sms..."maybe they have not received their results yet" I thought...and the wait goes on...

2.30pm
Fooling around the in the 4A classroom, listening to the all Fac dance songs...most were excited that they do not need to take chinese anymore...everyone was in high spirits...but I can't seem to get too excited...still no calls or smses..."what if i call them and they didn't do well...what should i say?"..so I decided not to call anyone yet...the painful wait continues...

2.45pm
Finally received a sms from a classmate: "I went on stage!"...my fear of everyone in the class doing badly is gone...she got really good results...things are starting to look up a little...then another sms from another classmate came: "*tear*"...(which later turn out to be tears of joy)...but still...that's only 2 out of 12...10 more to go...the wait is still on...

3.00pm
We decided to screw it and started to call ppl...instead of waiting...called most of them...some did really really well...some did not perform up to expectation...after hearing all the news...somehow the not-so-good news overshadow the great news...most of their results will enable to stay if they want....but a few of their results are sort of in the danger zone...and this just sets me into a bad mood for the day...but the wait is not over...there are still a couple of classmate whom I don't know their results...

4.00pm
Finally got the results of all classmate (except one whom I cannot contact)...the wait for their results is finally over...despite most doing well...I just felt quite depressed....the prospect that couple of classmates leaving is really depressing for me, i seriously don't want them to leave...i would feel very bored without them around (not that they are here to entertain me larz)...and with most of my squadmates looking gloomy too...it's kinda hard for me to look happy...

5.00pm
Felt very depressed at the training...with so many people around me looking as sad....I wonder if there is anyone at the class bench now...i feel that i wanted to be there now...so went back to the college side with a few squadmates...the class bench was empty except a few seniors who were leaving....seeing the empty class bench makes me even sadder for some reason...

5.30pm
Finally saw a classmate...then another came...and another came....one was in IP...one did extremely well...one did not meet her expectations....she was smiling..but the disappointment in her eyes was obvious....I didn't know what to talk about...I said all the positive things I could think of...suggested all the things she could do etc...but still I couldn't get over the fact that she was so consistent and results were generally quite good...but still face difficulties...unlike some who scored a B or C in some subjects but still can get in..the system is just so screwed up....

6.00pm
My phone keep ringing...but I don't want to go back to training yet...by this point...I just felt that the whole IP system is so scrooed up..it scrooed so many people...some sec 4 students in hwa chong last year did not meet the requirement for promotions...they were forced to repeat a year...those who did make it came...I'm not sure how others felt, but it just feel so cheapskate...I was just lucky to do well in PSLE and got to hwa chong...and so here I'm in HCJC now?

I did not go through all the hassles of preparing for O'lvl like others....and I may not even make it here if I do take O'lvls...in fact out of the whole cohort...I'm sure a significant amount may not be able to make it if not for IP....but here we are now...hogging the place in HC that some others would die for...and so IP indirectly scrooed these people too...if not for the IP students, the vacancies wouldn't be so limited...and competition wouldn't be so steep...and their chances of getting in would be higher....

And no, I'm not whinning about how the IP system sucks cause I did benefit a lot from it...but you can't deny that a lot of people got screwed because of the IP system...yea...a lot of people were screwed in the past by the O'lvl system too...consistent grades but flunking at O lvls...but at least for O lvls, it's fair playing field for all....

But whatever...what's happened has happened...let's just look on the bright side...hope that those who want to stay do ge to stay in the end...and those who want to change subjet combi/jc...all the best to you!

背影

//背影//


(Photo taken in Thailand: I'm the second from the left)

Disclaimer: The short essay below wasn't written by me. It was written by my sis when she was in sec 2 (she's waiting for her A lvl results now.)

我曾经看过一部连续剧，剧中的男主角喜欢把别人的背影拍下。他说过这么一句话：“背影是人最真的一面。”我听了这句话，感触很深。我们生存的这个世界，实际上比幻影还要假。在你我周围，勾心斗角的人，远远多过坦诚相对的人。

每一个人都希望让别人看到自己最好的一面，注意的也只是前面的路，前面的人。很多时候，人就是这样忘了自己身后可能有人在观察自己，因此，背影才是他们最真实的一面。这个时候，背对其他人的，便是他们毫无拘束，也毫无掩饰的一面，我曾被几个好友欺骗，所以开始对周围的人失去信心及信任。若自己身边最亲近的人也欺骗自己，那这世上还有几个人是真挚，纯洁的呢？每个人似乎都被污染了，留下来的只有最纯净的背影。

但是，从另一个角度来看背影的话，就不那么悲观了。当我们只看到人或事的其中一面时，难免会感到好奇，可能会很想看整个人或物体的全面，又或者会开始猜想他的模样。这么说，背影也可以是神秘的。

我在等人时，喜欢观察别人。有一次，我看到一个非常高大的男生的背部，心想他一定很俊俏，怎么知道当我看到他的样貌时，却发现他不是我想像的那样，不禁嘲笑自己“以背取人”。

总的来说，背影是有趣，更是真切的。

Bonds

//Bonds//

A force is weak, it can easily be broken; a bond on the other hand is very strong, and it requires a lot of energy to break it
- Miss Mok

I have heard classmates who were not from Hwa Chong having gatherings with their secondary school mates....

I've heard Nanhua gathering...St Nics gathering...Anderson gathering...etc...

This just reminds me of the time when I first came to Chinese High...only 3 from my primary school came Chinese High...and I remember at that time, I was always very excited about going back to my primary school to visit the teachers...to see my old friends...I even remember during the first week of school I went back to my primary school at least twice...

And now...I'm in JC...my secondary school is just next door...even a friend commented "you guys so lucky..just walk a few steps can see your teachers liaoz"...but the weird thing is I never really thought about going back to visit my secondary school teachers...even during CNY eve, I went back only because I need a signature from a teacher for some application form...

I've got all my secondary school mates (literally ALL) in the same JC I'm in, and unlike my friends from other secondary schools, who had gatherings and so on...the thought of getting together with my squadmates from St John or with my 4A classmates for dinner or some real outing never cross my mind at all too....

And no, I have not forgetten them...I still remember all my secondary school teachers from sec 1 to 4...and I still thank them for all that they have done...and I still miss the life in SJAB, ok I hate the training...but then it's just so memorable...and I will never forget those times spent with the squad...

But it's just the fact that I see the teacher like almost every other day...I just saw Jloh in the JC side canteen the other day...or when I go back to High School for St John training..I see so many teachers and so on...it just feel so damn friggin' convenient that I don't see a particular need in coming back to visit the teachers or something like that...

And it's the same case for squadmates...I see most of them everyday in school...and I just don't really miss them as much as I thought I would...yes I miss those days when we were still training as a squad...but it's kinda hard to miss someone when you see him everyday...

And I won't deny the fact that I'm enjoying my life in JC so far...I'm enjoying my class...my new classmates....I even enjoyed the times we stayed back to crap just cause we don't want to go home...and this has certainly slightly taken my mind off my squadmates and teachers no doubt...

But I feel that it is really kind of impossible to be as close as we were last time...the bond is formed...it's hard to break...just like what we learnt in chemistry(god I miss Miss Mok)...but the circumstance we are in now are different, the situations we are put in are different...and the best thing to do is just to sit back and remininsce...I mean I do meet up with my pri sch classmates once in a while...although it was fun and stuff...the feeling is just different than it was in the past...though it's extremely pleasurable to just sit down and think about the old times or talk about it...

I mean 10, 20 years down the road, are you still gonna be keeping in contact with all your pri sch, sec sch, cca, jc frenz and so on? It's impossible..there are always people you are closer to and people who you were not so close to, you win some you lose some, you can't have it all...

But like I mentioned, bonds formed are not easily broken...and I don't think constant gatherings or outings are necessary to prove that...as long as you still care for those people, and they still have a place in your heart, I think it's more than enough...tho gathering is a good way to express the care and concern (and have fun of course!)...

But with that said...I still look forward to the squad outing/dinner or whatever it's gonna be! I'm also hoping that the pri sch gathering that we said we wanted to have after O lvl results is released is still on...it's still good to see old friends and do some catching up...

Am I contradicting myself? I think I just did? Nevermind...