Alive

//Alive//

Stuck in world
No longer turning
Always the one
Waiting for something
Too many days
Walking around sleeping
Open my eyes
I'm tired of dreaming
- Melissa O'Neil

16 years of my life has come and gone by...have I live this 16 years to the fullest? I'm not sure...

I'm sure everyone will have some regrets about decisions made...like "I shouldn't have come to this sec sch..." or "I shouldn't have join this CCA" or "I should have went for that audition" etc...

But the scary thing is looking back....I don't think I regretted any decisions I made...cause seriously I didn't really make that many big decisions in my life yet....

"Always the one, waiting for something"...yep that's me...I wait for things to happen....I just go with the flow...go with the majority...so most of the decisions have been pretty easy for me...I am always the passive one...and even when there's a opportunity, I hesitate...like when I was in sec 1...I wanted to join Air Rifle, but I didn't even go for the trials..cause I'm worried...worried that I will be too sucky...won' even make it...etc...

"You seem uninterested in so many things, and you look listless almost on every single day..." One of my friends once said this to me....which is somewhat true I won't deny...but it is not really that I'm uninterested in so many things...it's just I'm just too passive and dumb to go for things I'm interested in...as mentioned in the previous para...and this has happen so many times...in sec sch...there were so many prog and stuff...and I let a lot of them just passed by...without even attempting to go for it...so I'm pretty numb about it...which is probably why I don't regret for not going for them...

"Too many days, Walking around sleeping, Open my eyes, I'm tired of dreaming"...and yes...I'm sort of tired of this kind of life...now in JC...there are also a lot a lot of stuff going on....lots of programme...cca...and stuff...like dramafeste...huang cheng...etc...

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if I crash down, burn out
At least I'm gonna know what it's like
To feel alive
- Melissa O'Neil

I decided to more active...and try to go for stuff I'm interested in...and not worry about if I can make it...or what others would think...so I went for bowling trials and music & dance auditions...obviously I didn't manage to get into MAD...but at least I tried...

Going in for the auditions, I know my chances are really slim..with so many people joining...and me not being the very dancey type...but I decided to just have some fun...and try my best...whether my best is enough or not is not really relevant...because if I try to evade like I used to...not daring to go for anything simply cause I don't think I will make it...then I can pretty much forget about going for anything....cause I am seriously not talented or good in any specific area...

Oh...and I signed up for Interact club!!! Lol...which I don't think I would do in the past...but doing some community work...well..this is really sincerely something I have been wanting to do in the past...not for the CIP...not for the portfolio...but something I really wanted to do....

I have been wanting to do some community work for a long long time...but I never did put in any effort or time to go look for some organisation...case of being too passive again....

Ok...I really don't think I should continue now...my whole mind is sort of incoherent now...can't think straight for some weird reason...I spent like eons trying to type out this short entry...which turn out to be very incoherent too...