Emotion Part II

//Emotion Part II//

took long for me to be inspired to write this post again...initally i wanted to talk abt me being emotional yet devoid of emotions sometimes...i mean that was what i wanted to blogged about the other time but in the end got too caught up with the "x" factor...

but now i am just a bundle of emotions again....i mean maybe that's why i decided to blog now....i mean i have been quite free the last few days...i could have easily blogged about it...but somehow i am just not inspired to type about it...

but now...i am just feeling very depressed....(i dun wanna use the word "sad" cause it sounds too much like qingyi)

ok larz...this post is gonna be totally random...so juz try to make some sense out of the whole thing yourself...

I mean I am a weird person larz....I cry at all the wrong times....I feel emotionless when I'm supposed to be very emotional...

Let's see....I mean I can shed tears while watching "Survivor"...when this contestants got a visit from her son...and she was crying like mad...and I started crying too...but then during my grandma's funeral..I did not shed a single tear throughout the whole thing....I mean I think I was more worried about my EOY exams at that time....

She passed away the day before my EOY started last year...and I was like studying about heart structure and so on during the funeral...and I'm never the kind to start preparing for exams early....so I was pretty scrooed at that time...cause I was expected to be down at the funeral place there every day and night....but I just go down like 15 mins each night?

It's just screwed up larz.....and everyone was crying like mad...and I was like...staring at them while they cry....for a moment I even think I don't feel ANYTHING at all...it was a pretty scary feeling actually...not feeling anything about someone's death....i'm not very close with my grandma...but it's still a bit heartless not to feel anything you know...ok...i do feel a sense of lost...but my life got on track very very soon after the funeral....i still remember studying for chem after her funeral....

that period of time....it was like i have time to mourn over the loss....the first 3 papers are physics bio then chem...and the funeral was held over those few days...it just feels weird larz....that i cry over movies...over shows...but not over the loss of my grandma....

also...i remembered at the end of sec 2....my mum found out she got cancer....she just told me the news on the way to sch....(during the hols)....it was my first com team training in St John you know....and she broke the news....and undoubtly I was very shocked and just...shocked...sad...depressed...but that feeling is just indescribable....it's like well it's just cancer..not like cannot be treated...but at the same time...was thinking what if hers was really bad?

but similarly no tears at all. weird rite? i think it's easier to cry about things that isn't real, like movie and so on....but when the problem is so real and in your face....i am sort of lost....not knowing how to react....

i think everyone's life is just sad.....everyone appear happy in school....everyone smiles....but deep down somewhere....everyone is just sad for some of the things in their lives....i've seen/heard/read qte a lot of such cases lately...that led me to this conclusion: Everyone in this world is sad by nature...we are only happy at certain moments...but our lives are mainly made up of sad stuff....

my life's well...it seems good doesn't it....good grades in pri sch....pretty ok grades in sec sch....life's seem pretty ok...but then there are sad stuff too....it may seem good on the surface....but some things can be pretty sad....(omg...i m like keep using the word sad...damn u qingyi...)

i dun wanna talk abt all my problems here....sigh...i think i supressed all the bad stuff all a little too well....i dun really get into states of depression as bad as some of my frenz do....maybe i do? maybe that's why i stone everyday? i run away from my problems...i dun wanna think about it...i procrastinate...so my problems always seem so distant...but that doesn't mean they don't exist...but i just don't keep thinking about it...that's why i haven committed suicide yet i guess? lol...ok...not funny...but seriously i dun think i will ever think of committing suicide...people who have suicidal thoughts just scare me....

what am i doing with my life!?! i don't know....my teenage years are wasting away....2 years is fast...before I know it...i may even be working already....but what work can I do? My passion don't meet my talent...but come to think of it...i don't excel in anything in particular?

Adulthood scares me a lot a lot....jobs work career apart...what about my love life? I have a sick feeling I'm gonna be still single at the age of 50 (if i live tt long)...

Can anybody find me somebody to love
Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
- Queen

And no...I'm not desperate for love now....in fact I don't want a relationship right now....it's too much of a burden for me i guess...i dun wanna put myself through the whole horrors of a relationship just yet...looking down the long and winding road of my life....it just scares me to think what will I do if i really do end up like that 50 years down the road....

then sadly tmr is the posting results...sadly 71 will never be the same again....life's full of sad things isn't it...so crying is actually good...but how come i m not crying now? am i not sad enough?

x seems like nothing out of sudden....

life's so randmon....just like this entry...