Nothing

//Nothing//

Nothing unsual
Nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
-Damien Rice (Amie)

Did I use that title before? I think I did.

It's 8.24 am now. And no, I did not pon shcool. I'm writing this in the Bio lab, while with the word "recombinant DNA technology" constantly being mentioned in the background. I am just not in a Bio mood now, and I actually have one of those rare impulses to pen down my thoughts, so I better grab it before I lose it, so here I am, writing on a piece of foolscape.

You know after a year or so of blogging, I came to realise that I really do enjoy writing a lot, not in a literature short story kind of way though. There are always lots of random thoughts running through my mind, the only problem is, I just don't write very well at all. It always gets very frustrating when I'm blogging, because more often than not, I find myself sitting in front of the computer staring at the screen, stucked, not knowing how to continue from what I started. I just can't put my thoughts down in words properly. Lack of talent in writing I guess, just like my lack of talen t in a lot of areas, like jumping for instance.

Speaking of which, I am extremely frustrated. And yes, I am very much affected and bothered by it. It's always somewhere lurking at the back of my mind, and to be honest, I actually wished it's over already. No more second, third chances, I am perfectly fine to take it as it is. Not that I'm happy or satisfied with it, I'm just at this stage where I'm tired of being constantly reminded of it and bugged by the very thought of it, so much so that I'm willing to accept the fact that I just can't do it.

Mentally, I have already given up to a certain extent, and it makes me feel happier actually. It's like you would feel much happier if you walk into a test, fully expected and prepared to fail and to face the subsequent consquences. Afterall, it's just 4 more weeks, I will just complain about it when the times comes. Yea, that's so typical of me. But regardless of how I feel, I don't really have a choice, and I will have to give it a try again in 2 weeks time. So...oh well.

Lately, I have been feeling like a zombie in school, today in particular. A total lack of any sleep is not really helping either. I feel like a bunch of nothingness floating around sometimes, and I'm pretty sure it's not from the stress of the impending doom a.k.a prelims or any like that.

It's just the daily mundane routine of everyday life that is eating away at me. I can't stand the fact that I'm going home everyday at 1+ or 2+, yet I don't feel like there's anything keeping me in school either.

For some reason, and maybe lots of different factors, I feel kind of distant from most people in the class, and I just feel like isolating myself more, like I close my heart or something (hmm..I think that sounds too melodramatic..) Yet at the same time, I crave for solitude even more than I do usually. It's almost like I am getting used to the feeling of being alone that I'm starting to enjoy it. Oh well, it's just one of those feelings that I just can't put down in words though I wished I could.

The same old scenario
The same old rain
And there's no explosion here

- Damien Rice (Amie)

What I can say though, is I'm not depressed, I'm not upset, I'm not pissed, it's just nothing. Like really nothing. Nothing major happened, no strong emotions, indifferent to things happening around me, and it's actually quite scary. Can you imagine like there's a void in your mind, or your soul, like you are there, but not there?

Maybe that's why I had a "Brothers & Sisters" marathon last night. 9 episodes in a row, resulting in no sleep at all, and a really crappy day in school. But watching shows like this that is so full of emotion, sort of fills the gap in me. I feel happy when they are happy, and really agitated when they argue, they take me on this emotional roller coaster ride with them. It's a great feeling actually, to be able to feel.

It became like an addiction for me this past week, watching a couple of episodes every night, and 9 in a row last night, because for that 40 minutes or so for each episode, I don't need to think at all, I just sit there and feel. No wonder they say media serves as an outlet of escapism. It's a damn good one.

That's why after the 6+ hour marathon, it's hard to withdraw from it, cause I'm so drawn in. I find myself thinking about it even now, even though it's DNA DNA now at the moment.

I wonder how I'm going to live without it tonight.

I wanna get away from here. To some far far nice nice place.

Who wouldn't?