Restless

//Restless//

Been feeling rather restless the past week.

There were a lot of down time in camp last week...and I love free time for me to nua...but I just keep feeling very restless...

I mean I have things to do. I can make use of the time to prepare for tuition, read a book, read some newspaper, or even sleep! But I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I just don't feel motivated to do ANYTHING, not even sleep. It was so bad to the extent that see kiat has to give me advice on how to take a nap in the afternoon. "Close your eyes and focus all your energy on falling asleep". How ironic.

So when it's finally time to bookout, I was esctatic. But it turns out I'm not faring much better at home than when I'm in camp. I feel equally empty.

"Hopeless emptiness. Now you've said it. Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness."
- Josh Givings (Revolutionary Road)

It's the sense of my life eroding away, and there's nothing I can do about it that scares me. I think for the first time in my 1.5 years in ns so far, the lack of purpose of it all is finally getting to me big time. I'm getting better at my job, but the better I get, the more meaningless it seems. I mean I always felt that what I was doing was meaningless, but I guess it's just becoming more and more apparent with time, and there's not a damn thing I can do except to wait for the day to come.

You got me begging you for mercy
Why won't you release me
- Duffy (Mercy)

I was looking through my friend's photos (taken while on overseas trip) on facebook...and I realised how badly I need a break. I think we all need one, we all deserve a good break from all these nonsense. Sadly, given the circumstance, leaves/offs don't seem to be an option at the moment. I guess I just have to make do.

Maybe it's the photos of the nice beaches, beautiful scenary...I really want to be close to nature (not in a sbo, camou on kind of way of cause). And since overseas leave is not possible now, I decide I will just settle for the tree-top walk! Ever since I went to that area for some navex exercise in Feb, I've been wanting to try out the tree-top walk.

Tree-top walk follows by a nice picnic at some scenic location. Sounds lovely doesn't it? So I smsed terence and cheng about my idea. I was greeted with a "you need a life" and "when when?" response. No prize for guessing who said what.

I guess at the end of the day, it's just one of those mood swings I have. My mood swings is like the cyclical nature of the business cycle. A sine curve. And I happen to be at the bottom at the moment.

I think I shall go run now.